Observations

I have always had this kind of silly fantasy about meeting my soulmate by taking one of those online tests that finds your exact personality match. The problem is, I'm such a strange cookie that I've never come even close to finding a personality match, let alone a soulmate.

Well, all of this changed yesterday when I launched an app on my facebook account scaling the "big 5" personality traits and matching test takers with a similar facebook user. I was very excited when I found this because the number of people on facebook is astounding, and I thought I might finally get to make this fantasy a reality.

Well wouldn't you know it, out of the millions of beautiful smart intelligent students that facebook could've paired me with, here is who it picked as my perfect match:


my internet soulmate

Patricia Sway. Now there's nothing wrong with Patricia Sway, and if she's anything like me she's probably a pretty cool lady, but she seems a little... old for me. I was praying to God that this was some beautiful young girl who put up a fake profile picture for some reason, but the only other picture she had up was an image of a cherry pie.


the real Patricia?

Now all day I have been faced with the choice of believing that my soulmate is a lady much much older than me, or that she is a delicious cherry pie. It seems like kind of a silly question, but I have put a lot of serious thought into it and I think I would rather believe that she is a pie.

I think part of the reason I want to marry the pie is because it would make my Mom really mad, and it would be so nice to give her some payback after all the crap she has given me about my selection in women. I picture visiting her in old age and bringing her little cherry pies from the grocery store and introducing them as her grandchildren. I think it would be really funny to bring her these pies and not let her eat them, insisting that only a heartless cannibal would resort to eating their grandchildren. Then I could drive home, chuckling and munching on the pies (which are not my grandchildren, my cherry pie wife is actually infertile but we keep that a secret from Mom), cherry pie wife buckled in passenger seat next to me.

Some of you may think it's kind of cruel to do this to your mother, but you need to understand the amount of crap she has given me and my brother about finding a good mate. Here is a typical "relationship" conversation between my mother and I.

Mom (irrationally angry): Have you found a girlfriend yet?
Me (kind of depressed): No Mom
Mom: What's wrong with you!? Are you gay!?
Me: Do you always have to accuse me of being gay? It is really not normal.
Mom: Get a haircut! Get a job! Stop looking so hullengey!*

*Note: hullengey is a fake Korean word that my mother has made up to mean homosexual jobless slob just for me and my brother. She insists that it is a real word but it is not.

You may think this conversation is a bit of an exaggeration, but I assure you it is not. I would estimate that this is how at least 95% of conversations with my mother go.

Anyway, at first I was kind of disappointed that Patricia Sway was my facebook soulmate, but now I am actually pretty happy with it! It's kind of funny, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that a cherry pie would be my perfect personality match!

The funny thing is, I took this personality test to kill this silly fantasy. I guess sometimes they just refuse to die...